How life’s failures and disappointments grew me spiritually in my faith

Ever woke up one day and didn’t feel like yourself, well that happened to me. It happened the day after graduation. Let me take you back to the day before. It was May 12, 2017 the day that was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. Right? In that moment it was. But when I marched out of the F. G. Clark Activity Center I was waiting to see someone. My mom and Step Dad hugged and congratulated me. My Grandmother who had fell ill weeks before my big day made it there. My godmother and one of my closest friends showed up, on my biological fathers side my grandfather came (which meant the world to me), my uncle and my aunt. Now all of these people took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate my accomplishment! That alone made me feel so grateful and loved. But after I looked around and had seen everyone I noticed someone was missing. I asked my aunt (my Dad’s sister) where’s my daddy? And she said he’s not here! Bit don’t worry about him we’re here. In that moment I felt my heart break! I was a 22 year old woman and I felt like that 6 year old little girl again, who’s daddy would promise to come see her at her dance recitals but would never show up. Or the time It was 8th grade prom and he was suppose to show up to dance with me for the father daughter dance. There are so many other times and broken promises I can recall. All of those memories I had left in the past and forgot about came back to me all at once that very moment. As I stood there with my family and smiled (very fakely) to take pictures all of this was going through my head. All of my life I just wanted him to show up! I just wanted his time! I can remember the last conversation we had he said, baby girl I will never miss your big day! So I was excited to see my daddy. But, unfortunately it never happened. And I haven’t got a phone call saying congrats or an explanation as to why he didn’t show up till this day. That day I never shed a tear! My heart was just broken and my feelings were crushed! I told myself don’t cry, you should be use to this by now! But I wasn’t! I was still that hopeful little girl waiting to be noticed and wanted by her distant daddy! So the day after graduation I woke up feeling different. And I carried around that pain until I couldn’t anymore! It was the middle of June. And I had a panic attack. I was having multiple back to back. I went to the hospital thinking I was about to die and while in the waiting room the Holy Spirit said if you don’t leave you about to waste money on something you have to fight spiritually! So I left with my crazy feelings and went to a family member who was a nurse! She checked me out and my vitals were good but my pulse was high. Which I explained to her how stressed out I had been lately! So she told me I just needed to chill. So I went home and I tried to calm myself down. Let me remind you, during all of this my grandmothers Parkinson’s disease started to progress so she needed more assistance and care! My mom was working full time, as well as my stepfather so I decided to move back home, to help take care of my grandparents while they worked. I felt as though my life was put on hold. Around this time I never searched for a job because I had it in my mind I would be in law school in August! A few weeks prior to my few panic attacks I had to take the LSAT( law school admission test). I was full of anxiety before hand and the day I walked out of that test I felt as though I could have pasted out! So fast forward to July and I got my scores back and I had missed getting in by 2 points! I was crushed! So around this time I remember going into a depression that lasted into the middle of September. Now, throughout this whole ordeal I was still praying and reading the word. But I felt beat up! I felt like the enemy was beating me up while God was just sitting there watching! The only person who I felt comfortable sharing what I was going through with was my spiritual leader! Who I thank God for! I knew better than to isolate myself because then the enemy would have had a party with me! But mercy said no!! This lady prayed for me and I just was boiling with tears and was overcome with emotions. Chile, I was going through it! But when I look back at all of what I endured I see it didn’t break me! It only made me stronger. I was questioning my sanity and My relationship with God! And through out the whole process he never left me! Although I felt alone, he reminded me through people I wasn’t. When my father didn’t show up for my big day it opened old wounds! I had to forgive him all over again. Had I held onto that hurt I would be one bitter person! And you may say I had the right to, but he’s human too! And we all make mistakes! And God helped me understand if he was saved and in his right mind he would have certainly been there for me! And because he wasn’t, my job was to love him from a distance and pray for his salvation. And like a little child I had to trust God to heal my heart all over again! When I moved back home I did it to help take the load off my mother and help my granny. I realized I didn’t have to do what I did, abut I I thought to myself what would Jesus do. But the enemy had me feeling like I made a mistake. Yet, my mom was so thankful for my help and my grandmother was too. It made me realize God knew exactly what he was doing when he did it. It’s not easy taking care of elderly people (I see now) but I remember what my grandmother did for me! She worked until she couldn’t anymore to help me get through college (that’s love). She did it to help my mom! And I’m so thankful to God for her! So when I would get weary in helping bathe her, clothe her, or lifting her up etc. I would think back to those times she did it effortlessly for me. Lastly, failure is something none of us take lightly! So when I didn’t get into law school I felt like a failure (which was a lie from the enemy). But one of my good sisters in Christ hit the nail on the head when she reminded me, “a delay doesn’t mean a denial. And I remember Jeremiah 29:11 like the back of my hand ( for I have plans to proper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope). So I know God has a plan for my life! And all I needed to do was trust him! We make many plans (like I did) but the lord determines our path! My plans didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I had a plan A and that was it! I trusted that that plan A (law school) was gonna fall through because I prayed about it and had my heart set on it. But When you ask God for his will to be done and not your own, He makes sure of it! He’s teaching me everyday to trust him and him alone! In conclusion, when your going through a storm, like I was, the most important thing you should “not” do is isolate yourself! Because if the enemy catches you by yourself, your like putty in his hands. The Bible says a threefold cord is not easily broken. We all need community and God wants it for us! It’s important to always surround yourself with godly minded people. And remember in this life people will disappoint you, Because they’re not perfect. The only man that is perfect is Jesus and he will never disappoint you, leave you, nor forsake you! ~Be encouraged my friends this too shall pass!!

Walking away from what was

When God tells you to end a relationship. Do so in obedience to him without fearing other people. Pray for them and move on. It isn’t easy, but it will be worth it.

I was convicted. I stayed with him because I felt that I contradicted what God had already discerned in my spirit wasn’t right but I wanted to give it another try. He was charming and handsome and even talked about God. He was intelligent and was very ambitious yet his true character slowly started to evolve when I made it clear it was God before him. I wanted God to be in this. So we went on dates and I encouraged him to do daily couples devotionals in hopes that he would take the lead. Then distractions came around and he showed me how he would place it before that alone time with God. I was cautious. My prayers were centered around him and the relationship forgetting about my me time with God. I wasn’t focused. This new love had came into my life it felt good, yet I couldn’t find peace in it. I was so careful about opening myself up fully to him because what if it doesn’t work. Right? Weeks went by that turned into months and he had plans for us. I thought to myself, did he concern any of this with God. Marriage, where we would live, and what we would name our kids. So many what if’s and could of’s. I was wrong for making plans with someone who I knew God didn’t confirm with me whether or not he was the one. I was waiting for a dream. A sign, or a plain no Denisha, he’s not the one. But instead, God was quiet. I wanted him to tell me. But I guess he was waiting on me to discern it for myself. I realized I had made a mistake. The guy who had been pursuing me wasn’t who God had for me now. When I ended things the second time around his heart began to splash colors of this is the real me all over my text thread. I felt so wrong and guilty about how I ended things but God said I told you the first time he wasn’t the one. The breakup took an emotional toll on me. I wanted things to work out but I knew in my heart if I continued to entertain him and he wasn’t the one, and then the right one came, would I had been able to just leave the relationship like that? I learned and I moved on. I blocked and deleted. You know how us Ladies do. Then after months go by you look them up and you see, oh he’s moved on and looks happy now. And because the spirit of God is in me and has helped me grow, I prayed for him instead that he would find the Woman God has for him. That he would fulfill God’s calling on his life and remain in his perfect will. I felt jealousy knocking at the door waiting to come in. But I shoved that door quick with a prayer. Finding contentment in Christ alone is what’s keeping me afloat of this cuffing season. I want what’s real. I want the man God has set aside for me. So I had to learn to walk away from what was.

God if you love me, Why are people who aren’t serving you prospering over me? 🤷🏾‍♀️

How we look at other people getting blessed. When we are over here trying to do the right thing and we know their living in sin😩😂


Have you ever questioned God’s love for you? Have you ever asked yourself, “If God Loves me why does so and so have something I don’t have when I’m over here submitted, honoring him with my life”? Well your not alone! I have questioned God many times on why people who are obviously sinning or are non believers out getting blessed and being promoted when I’m over here worshiping him and at least trying to live my life right before him! He didn’t answer me right away! But when he did he gave me 3 points. 

Point 1: Galatians 6:4-6

4 Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. 5 You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.

– So basically he told me to focus on myself and to not compare my life to others. We are all on different levels in life spiritually, physically, and emotionally!!

Point 2: Matthew 4:8-10 (when Satan tempted Jesus)

Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. 9 And he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me. 10 Then Jesus said to him, “Away with you, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.

– So here God showed me that when people aren’t living their lives to honor God then they’re at the hands of the enemy! When we do sinful things we’re basically worshipping the enemy! Which gives me incite to believe some people’s blessings don’t come from God. Since Satan was offering Jesus worldly power and glory If he had worshipped him, then I know Satan’s tricks aren’t new! So basically he said, “stop admiring people’s blessings because they aren’t always sent from me.” Okay💁🏾

Point 3: Matthew 5:44-45

“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.”

– Now this is called GRACE!! We all have sinned and were shaped in iniquity. Therefore God is gracious to us in the way he blesses each of us! He deals with each of us different! Although a person may have sinned, they could have certainly repented from it and in doing so God blesses them in a great way! Or they may have done something that was Christ like so God blessed them! Go honors his word so if we are a blessing to others most likely we will get blessed in return.  

In conclusion, worry less about what’s going on in other people’s lives and focus your relationship on God! And you’ll be blessed regardless! Whether it be with life, a working vehicle, or a ticket you should have gotten but God showed you mercy so you got off! Or so much as avoiding a close car wreck! God blesses us in so many ways! In ways we may not always see right away! So give him thanks for past blessings, future, and present blessings! Because my God is in the Blessing business and he rains on the just as well as the unjust! That’s Love right there❤️🔥🙌🏾

What highway are you on My Friend? A highway to Hell? 

The road is narrow my friend. Not everyone who says Lord, Lord will enter. So I ask this question again. What highway are you on my friend? Have you been on the straight and narrow. Or does your highway have curves or a dead end?

I use to think clubbing every weekend, drinking trying to live a fast life was what I needed to do to have fun! Not knowing that I was giving the enemy legal rights to attack me(physically and emotionally)🙌🏾 in the wrong relationships being abused an misused all in the name of love! I didn’t know what Love was until I came to Christ! Thank God for his Grace and his mercy that kept me until I chose to stop straddling the fence and surrender my life to Him completely! God allowed me to see early on what a sinful lifestyle has for you “Nothing”! It has lies, pain, deceit, hate, bitterness, drug charges, STD’s, negative rumors, abortions, bruises and scars, curses, hangovers, anger, homosexuality, getting high, sex outside of marriage, depression, anxiety, gossip, distrust, cussing, division among family and friends, and so on!! An ETERNITY isn’t worth that mess! Had I died before rededicating my life back to Christ and made the conscience decision to separate myself from the world I would have gone to hell! And I know this because I read past John 3:16(comment if you don’t understand this part I’ll expound) I believed in God yet denied his power. A power that could change me and give me a heart and mind to do his will and be a better daughter to him. I’m grateful for conviction because without it, I would still be on a highway to hell!! What highway are you on my friend? Read Matthew Chapter 7 and ask yourself that question! Then pray about it! Confess your sins to God he will forgive you! And dedicate the rest of your life to doing his will❤️“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you. “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets. “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it. “Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions. “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’ “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, for he taught with real authority—quite unlike their teachers of religious law.”‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:1-29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

My Testimony (Real&Uncensored)

In this photo I was dealing with a lot of emotions. I had just ended a year and a half relationship swiftly, out of nowhere, and I was harassed and bullied because of the decision I made. Thankfully, God was working on my heart months before I found the strength to leave the toxic dysfunction.

Denisha’s Testimony:

In the month of October 2015, God led me out of a lesbian lifestyle I had been in for almost 5 years. From the age of 15 to 20 I battled myself and the enemy’s schemes. While I was in the last lesbian relationship, I cried out to God to give me a way out. I was living with the person at the time and I felt there was no way out. In a matter of 2 to 3 months God took me through a process where he began to break the lusts and perversion that burned within me. Soon, the person moved out and got their own place and I felt the soul tie we had being easily broken. I made it known that I didn’t want to be in the relationship or the lifestyle any longer. The enemy tried his hardest to keep me a prisoner to that sin. Had I not escaped out of that lifestyle when I did I believe I would have been killed had it not been for the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I saw a way out and I told God if this was the way I would take it. So I took it and I’ve never looked back. After that, the following month I re-dedicated my life back to Christ and God has and is still taking me through a process of breaking and purging. He has delivered me from so much from homosexuality, masturbation, lust, unforgiveness, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, absent father hurt, and so much more. God had to fill voids in me. And I’ve been so blessed by Anointed Fire Ministries. I now strive to live a holy and disciplined life before the father. And I feel so free to pursue a relationship with God that gets more intimate and deeper every day. Now, I’m walking out my singleness in complete surrenderance to the father. I can freely seek him and have complete confidence in knowing that he’s my provider and protector. I desire to one day be married and become a mother. But before that, my number one priority is to enjoy my singleness and allow God to use and stretch me in this season of my life. Here is a letter I wrote to the enemy, to myself, and to people who may be going through the same things I went through. In my life I’ve been through a lot and this short expert doesn’t cover it all but it covers what God wants it to cover. The Holy Spirit dealt with me and like a teacher he instructed me on how to write and develop this very message. God shall receive the Glory through what he’s set me free from. God is real and I’m so thankful and grateful that he wanted me long before I wanted him. Here is a short expert from:

[Free Verse Poem]

NO MORE SECRECY

By: Denisha Milton

We were born into sin and shaped with iniquity (Psalm 51:5).

At the tender age of 4 you creeped in. The first time it happened you did it through a friend. I didn’t understand what happened, you see because I was 4 years old. But Soon I was able to forget it. Then at the age of 5 you came back in. So, from 4 to 14 you stayed hurting me. Let’s not forget you kept my father from me. You were enjoying him by tormenting him with past pain of his father being nonexistent. So you used that as an excuse to keep him from me. See you hated me. You used almost every friend I had who got close to me to molest me. Why me? You always found a way to creep in behind the Adults back how clever of you. Let’s not forget you made sure to point out every flaw I had from 2nd grade on to high school. You used children (who were obviously broken) to tease me every day to make my life hell. I was fat and I didn’t fit in those were your favorites weren’t they. Why did you use the people closest to me to hurt me? What had I ever did you? Did I touch you at 4? Did I touch you at the slumber party? You always came looking for me, why? I tried my best to live and forget those things but you just wouldn’t allow me to now did you. A matter of fact you got smarter. You came in the form of step siblings. There you touched, and touched, and touched me until I felt worthless. Then when I assumed things couldn’t get any worse you sent him in to violate me. That day I had left myself. Where did I go? Well, my soul had left my body and I watched as my flesh laid their being vandalized. You let the other guard the door to watch and make sure no one would enter without him being warned. You despised me so much that you wouldn’t even let anyone find out. And a way you made sure I kept my mouth close was by filling me with fear from my father’s replacement. You brought your lies and pain in and you lingered there. Then you left me. You left me confused, hurt, abused, and empty. You left me empty. And as if I wasn’t enough of a sacrifice you sought after my sibling. You left me feeling defenseless. I knew God yet, you still made feel so disconnected from him. And in my teenage years. I became sneaky, deceitful, confused, and a habitual liar. Yes, I’ll call it for what it was. I was trying to find myself in all the wrong ways. Ways that would lead me down the road of destruction. But you didn’t care because you hated me. You sent guys my way who only wanted one thing from me. They didn’t want chemistry. So, I experimented with what you used so long ago to break me. In the beginning it felt natural I told myself. The women I talked to. They listened to me they told me I was beautiful. That was a first. I was so into this Web you had weaved for me. I even had a type. The type to act masculine and take the more dominant role. See you had fooled me. Fooled me into thinking because this type of person would have the appearance of a man that would do because I was suffering with daddy issues… And since I had been hurt by men, you used those issues to replace with a Wo- man. A stud is not a Man, a stud is a woman. The homosexual lifestyle is an abomination. It keeps you longer than you plan to stay in. My flesh and spirit were at war within me. I liked men though I was afraid to be in relation with them because of the issues I was afflicted with. You see I was fighting to be right but devil you wanted to be in control. You never let me choose. You took my innocence away from me. You had me living in secrecy for so long that it consumed me. But the Greater one stepped in. He came in like a flood and started to deal with me. And as he started to deal with me. Devil, I began to deal with you. All the pain, hurt, and lies that you sold to me were beginning to uproot itself from within me. You’ve been after me since I was a child. And you entered my life every way you knew how. You hurt me over and over again until the Lord spoke to me and told me to wake up. The Greater one. The Greater one is he. Greater than he that is in this world. He spoke to me and he continued to deal with me. The bitterness went away, and forgiveness was placed in my heart. If you know me you may be thinking wow she didn’t look like she was going through all of that pain. Well, that’s how the enemy had me looking faceless and bound to my sins, a poker face I should say. Laughing to keep from crying. When inside I was dying. My mind was my battlefield. I had thoughts of suicide and running away from home. But God kept me. I’m a woman now. And I have forgiven every single person who had abused me. You see the enemy used those things to destroy me. To keep me from fulfilling the purpose God has on my life. But I had to speak this truth because I won’t give the devil that glory any longer. I was a molested, rapped, bisexual, fornicator, liar, and a fatherless child, who was disconnected from life itself. I felt that because what happened to me I deserved to have fun in the world a little while longer, and then I would get right with God. But sisters and brothers I’m here to tell you get right with God now. This here is my testimony. I understood what Satan was trying to do to me. He tried to kill me. And had I continued to live that secretive life, he would have certainly brought death upon me. But you have to speak to your trials and let them know how Righteous and Powerful your Father in Heaven is. The problem with so many people who may have gone through something like this or similar is they keep those things secret. If this helps someone or if you’re going through this right now I understand I hear your cry and you’re not alone. It’s time that we all expose the enemy. You see I can’t stand him. He has stolen so much from me. But God has gotten the glory for what he meant for my bad, God meant for my good. We need to stop giving the devil empty areas in our lives to dwell. Baby what happened to you shouldn’t have happened to you. When they teased you and called you fat he saw your beauty. When you were touched and raped he saw your innocence. It’s time that we wake up and fault the person who is to blame for this. It isn’t the rapists or molesters, or bullies, or Absent Fathers or etc. It’s Satan and his demon spirits. He has come to kill rob and destroy you from enjoying life. And it’s time that you take your joy and happiness back. Allow God to come into your hearts and take root. Receive the Holy Spirit and he will show you the way. Ways to live holy and Righteous before him. He will forgive you of your sins and make your enemies your foot stool. Don’t worry about people and their opinions. I pray through Christ Jesus that you all accept this testimony and let this be of a helping to you and your family. Generational curses are being broken I know it. This is only the beginning. This year let’s expose Satan and live the rest of our lives in happiness and honoring the Father, the Most High God. This was the end of my season of turmoil and strife. God picked me up out of that mess and gave me a new life. Because I know how much the devil tried to end my life. It fuels my need to want to get to know God even more. He can erase all the past hurt and pain. Only he can! The voids you have in your life of an absent father or mother or any abuse you may have suffered throughout this journey called life let Jesus fill those voids. I’m a new creature IN Christ Jesus and it feels so rewarding. I have peace of mind now. I have peace. The anxiety and depression I had is no more. Because I chose to give glory to the man who could rejuvenate my life despite of what Satan had did. And remember to forgive I know it’s hard. But you must forgive so that your sins too can be forgiven. Generational curses of past issues such as these can haunt families. But until someone exposes Satan for who he is and binds those spirits and strongholds in Jesus name they will continue to happen. You need to proclaim that such things can not dwell in your families any longer. YOU HAVE TO LOVE GOD MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOUR FLESH. YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS BODY WITH YOU TO HEAVEN. DIE TO YOURSELF TODAY AND SURRENDER YOUR LIFE TO GOD. GOD IS READY FOR YOU TO ENTER INTO HIS FAMILY. Hear HIS CALL. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AND BLESS YOU. AND I HOPE THIS IS A BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL.

Signed: Ex- Sinner

P.S.: This wasn’t an easy thing to do. But I reminded myself of the Cross. What Jesus had to go through to crucify his flesh so that we could be healed and have salvation. So today I crucify my flesh so that my testimony can be of a healing for someone else. I’m not proud of what I went through nor am I ashamed. But I am confident that in my testimony God will reap the Victory and I too will reap the Victory over what Satan tried to destroy. Me!

 

 

Did I encounter the One? Did I push him away? These are questions I ask myself.

Recently I started dating a guy who I met while grocery shopping. He was diffrent from the rest. His mannerisms had taken me a back. He was so charming and in that moment all I could be swayed by were his words. I realized after we were finished talking I didn’t focus on his looks or his height. I was experiencing a Man introducing himself to me in a way I had never experienced. Because I have the desire to be married one day, and to only be married to the person God has appointed to my life, I usually give guys no play when they approach me. Most guys don’t make it past hello. But a few have. Out of the few it was this one guy who was diffrent from the rest. I must admit I went into the dating phase super guarded. I was making sure I asked all of the right questions. Dissecting every answer he gave to the best of my ability. I was trying to figure out could this be the one or a distraction sent by Satan. It was too good to be true. The conversations had rhythm, we had chemistry. He was just different in every way from the diffrence in cultures down to career paths. Yet it all seemed to blend well with our future plans. The truth is, I was afraid. Afraid to love someone who seemed to be everything I had been praying for. Yet I couldn’t see it past my own imperfections. Was I ready to let him in. Would he understand me! Would he be strong enough in faith and mind to understand the most deepest parts of me. As quickly as I wanted to be vulnerable with him, was as quick as past thoughts told me not to. Then the what ifs started to flood in like a tide. What if you share with him everything about you and he leaves. So I thought yes what if he does. But since it was clear that we both wanted to pursue a relationship together while keeping marriage at the center, Then wouldn’t it be okay to be open and honest with a friend! Who could potentially be your mate? No because what if this isn’t the man God has appointed to you. Then you have just uncovered yourself for a stranger. In the midst of all of the confusion I lost myself. I prayed and cried out to hear from God because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t wanna make a move without his approval. But the thing is I didn’t trust myself making a decision based on this very fact. I didn’t want to end up in a relationship with a man who had me but didn’t know ME. So it hadn’t been that long. It was a month and a couple of days and I was trying to figure out in that period of time was he the one or not. I put pressure on him and myself because I was afraid to let love either grow or run its course. So Instead of either one I ended the relationship. Because at that point in my mind, I felt that not pursuing anything would be better than finding out that he wasn’t the one in the first place. Neglecting the thought that he could have been. The one! I know they say diamonds are made under pressure but even wine gets better with time. Should I have let the relationship alone to age like wine. I believe so. I relaized that I was looking for a flaw in his guy. He wasn’t perfect but he seemed to be everything I had been praying for. I had prejudged him and tossed him to the side. I wanted him to be perfect not realizing that I myself wasn’t perfect. So I prayed about it. And I felt that I needed to apologize to him face to face to let him know I was wrong for pushing him away so early. I wasn’t expecting him to say okay I forgive you let’s start from where we left off. But what I did get was a lesson on love and life. So I wished him the best and that was the end. After all of that I relaized God wanted me to see that I still needed to be healed in some areas of my life by him. There are areas in my heart I hadn’t completely surrendered to him that I needed to give to him completely. I needed to know that I am worth loving. That I deserve to be treated like a queen. I shouldn’t fight that treatment off, instead I should allow myself to be vulnerable to it. I needed to trust him more and not other people’s opinions or myself. This was a self reflection for sure. But a growing experience at best. That guy may or may not have been the one. But I can say he was the only one who treated me in ways I had been praying for. This didn’t catch God by surprise. He knew I would act this way. And I trust that Gods Will for my life will come to past. Next time I know to be patient and to not over think things, be hard on myself, or look for perfection in others when I fall short daily. I’m still in waiting. Praying and seeking God. Focusing on myself and whatever God has in store for me. And whenever love finds me again!! I may blog about it😂 until then, ttyl❤️

Spiritual Warfare Prayer

After being set free from the bondage I was in, God began to renew my heart and mind! I began to pray more often and made it a habit to read the word everyday! Turning my back on the enemy completely was not an easy thing! I went through plenty of warfare! This is a prayer I read whenever I felt attacked by the enemy!! Prayer and remaining In God’s presence is what kept me! I had to go through the fire 🔥 But I came out of it unharmed with not even the smell of smoke!! Our father nurtured me through the whole process!! He’s such a loving and faithful father! He never abandons us❤️BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR MY NEXT TESTIMONIAL/REFLECTIONS POST!!! Now go and engage the enemy with this prayer!! AND REMEBER GOD GAVE US POWER AND AUTHORITY OVER THE ENEMY AND THE KINGDOM OF DARKNESS!! GREATER IS HE (God) that is in you, Then he (Satan) that is in this world!

A Spiritual Warfare Prayer • Rebecca Barlow Jordan

Are you in a battle today, and it’s taking more than just a physical toll on you? Are you finding it difficult to find the words to tell the devil to be gone? Spiritual warfare is crippling, real, and troublesome, but Jesus has already won us the victory! Pray along with these words now and let the Lord break the chains of fear and bondage!

Jesus, sometimes I can almost sense the heaviness of pressure mounting and the ominous presence of darkness around me. I recognize my enemy is at work again. Whether he’s trying to discourage me to get sidetracked, to fall into temptation, to give up, or to take my eyes off you, he’s always hanging around.

I need your supernatural power, Lord, to stand strong and not surrender. Physical force won’t help, because you’ve said the weapons of our warfare are different from those in this world. As believers, ours are powerful and can demolish strongholds and lies. These supernatural weapons originate from you. By your precious name and blood, Jesus, I’m asking you to confuse Satan and cancel his attempts to shut me and my influence down. Help me not to become discouraged or to give in when heavy times of testing come.

When I’m tired and weak, you are strong, Lord, and you are my only source of help. I cannot fight without you. Teach me how to pray and to trust you to pull down those strongholds that keep me or others helpless. Guard me from isolation that leaves me exposed and vulnerable. I believe you destroyed the power of my enemy by your death and resurrection. But like a bad penny, my enemy keeps showing up, whispering lies, twisting truth, and attempting to inflate my selfish pride. He never gives up.

I am declaring the devil and his demons liars today, Lord. Through the power of your precious name and blood, I agree with your Word and the truth that you are in me and that you are greater than my enemy who wants to rule the world. You, your Word, and prayer, Lord, are my secret weapons. I belong to you, and that fills me with a powerful God-confidence. I want to constantly dress in the spiritual armor you give me. Help me use it to defend others from Satan’s fiery darts as well. No one and nothing can snatch me away from your hand.

Strengthen my faith, Lord. Forgive my sins, so that I may be clean in your righteousness. Make me brave, so I can stand and fight the spiritual battles in my life and in our world. Give me your wisdom and discernment so I won’t be caught off guard. Together, Lord, we’ll win, because in truth, you already have.

In Jesus’s powerful name before which every knee shall bow, Amen!